Being companionable with your baby. Be quietly friendly with your baby whenever you are with him. He’s getting a sense of how much you mean to each other all the time you’re feeding him, burping him, bathing him, dressing him, changing his diapers, holding him, or just sitting in the room with him. When you hug him or make noises at him, when you show him that you think he’s the most wonderful baby in the world, it makes is spirit grow, just the way milk makes his bones grow. That must be why we frown-ups instinctively talk baby talk and waggle our heads when we greet a baby, even grown-ups who are otherwise dignified or unsociable.

One trouble with being an inexperienced parent is that part of the time you take the job so seriously that you forget to enjoy it. Then you and the baby are both missing something. Naturally, I don’t mean that you should be talking a blue streak at him all the time he’s awake or constantly joggling or tickling him. That would tire him out and in the long run might make him tense. You can be quiet much of the time you are with him. It’s the gentle, easygoing kind of companionship that’s good for him and good for you. It’s the comfortable feeling that goes into your arms when you hold him, the fond, peaceful expression on your face when you look at him and the gentle tone in your voice.

Your newborn’s senses. All of your baby’s senses work at birth (and indeed, were working before birth), to different degrees. Touch and motion are already well developed, which may explain why holding, swaddling, and rocking have such a calming effect. Smell is also well developed. Babies detect odors in the amniotic fluid before birth, and very early on, they come to prefer the smell of their mothers.

Newborns can hear, but their brains process the nerve signals that represent sound slowly. If you whisper in a baby’s ears, it may take several seconds before the baby responds, trying to find the source of the sound. Because of the way the inner ear develops, babies hear higher-pitched sounds better and prefer speech that is slow and musical—the way parents seem naturally to talk to them.

Babies can also see, but they are very nearsighted. Their eyes focus best at nine to twelve inches, about the distance to the mother’s face when nursing at the breast. You can tell when a baby catches you with his eyes, and if you slowly move your face from side to side, his eyes may follow you. Babies prefer looking at faces. We are social creatures from the start. Babies’ eyes are very sensitive to light. They tend to keep them closed in a normally lit room, opening up when the lights go down.

Your baby is an individual. Parents who have more than one child know that newborn babies have their own personalities. Some are very calm, others more excitable. Some are regular in their eating, sleeping, and bowel habits, others are irregular. Some can handle lots of stimulation, others need a quieter, darker, less busy environment. When babies are alert, with eyes open and a look of concentration on their faces, they are taking in information about the world around them. One baby stays in this alert, receptive mode for many minutes at a time; another baby shifts in and out, alternating alertness with periods of drowsiness or fussing. As you take care of your baby, you’ll begin to figure out how to help keep the alert state going by providing enough talking, touching, and playing but not too much. You baby will also become more skillful in letting you know when he wants more and when he has had enough. You begin to work as a team. This process takes place over weeks and months.

The process of pregnancy, labor, and delivery may interfere (for a time) with many parents’ sexual relations. Near the end of pregnancy, intercourse may become uncomfortable or at least physically challenging. Following delivery, there is a normal period of discomfort, readjustment of the body to its pre-pregnancy state, hormonal shifts, and the hard work, sleep deprivation, and fatigue of caring for a newborn. Sex may be crowded out for days, weeks, even months.

This can also be a difficult time for a man’s libido. He may simply be tired. For some men, the shift in perspective of their partner from lover to mother is difficult to reconcile with sexual feelings. All manner of deep emotional contradictions may arise. Some men, for eg., have been raised with the Madonna or whore complex. It’s hard for them to understand how a woman can be both a mother and a lover; the feelings may seem mutually incompatible (just as some of us can’t even begin to picture our parents as sexual beings, even though we are the proof incarnate of that sexuality).

If you recognize that sexual intercourse can be slow in returning, you won’t be so alarmed at its temporary absence. And just because you have put sexual intercourse on hold, that does not mean that all sexual relations must cease. Take time for cuddling, hugging, kissing, a romantic word, an appreciative glance, and unexpected gift of flowers.

Balancing parenthood with the other aspects of your life is one of the skills of successful parenting and successful marriage. Almost all parents get back on track sexually after a while. What makes the biggest difference is that, in the tumult of caring for a new baby, they don’t lose sight of how much they love and care for each other and that they make a conscious effort to express that love by word and by touch. Try reading poetry to each other, going for a walk together (without the baby), exchanging warm oil massages, meditating together, having a quiet meal together and sharing lots of hugs and kisses.

A father shouldn’t be surprised if he has mixed feelings at times toward his wife and his baby. These feelings can arise during the pregnancy, during the commotion of the labor and delivery stage, or after they are home. He can remind himself that his feelings are probably not nearly so churned up as his wife’s , especially immediately after the homecoming. She has been through an intense hormonal change. If it’s her first baby, she can’t help feeling anxious. All babies will make great demands on a mother’s strength and spirits at the beginning.

What this adds up to is that most women need a great deal of support from their partners at this time. They need help with care of the baby and any other children and with housework. Even more, they need patience, understanding, appreciation, and affection. The father’s job may be complicated by the fact that if his wife is tired and upset, she might not thank him for his efforts. Indeed, she may be critical or complaining. Even so, when fathers understand how much they are needed, they can put their negative responses aside, choosing instead to play their crucial supporting role.

The first few weeks at home, most new parents find that they are more anxious than usual and just plain exhausted. They worry about the baby’s crying and fretful spells, suspecting that something is seriously wrong. They worry about every sneeze and every spot of rash. They tiptoe into the baby’s room to see whether she is still breathing. It’s probably instinctive for parents to be overly protective at this period. I suppose its nature’s way of being sure that the millions of new parents throughout the world, some of whom may be immature, take their new responsibility seriously. A little concern might be a good thing. Fortunately, the anxiety wears off.

It’s possible that you will find yourself feeling discouraged for a while when you begin taking care of your baby. It’s a fairly common feeling. Especially with the first one. You may not be able to put your finger on anything that is definitely wrong. You just weep easily, or you may feel bad about certain things.

A feeling of depression may come on a few days after the baby is born or not until several weeks later. The commonest time is when a mother comes home from the hospital. It isn’t just the work that gets her down; it’s the feeling of being responsible for the household plus the entirely new responsibility of the baby’s care and safety. A woman who was used to going to work every day is bound to miss the companionship of colleagues. Then there are the physical and hormonal changes at the time of birth, which will probably alter the mother’s mood to some degree.

If you begin to feel blue or discouraged, try to get some relief from the constant care of the baby in the first month or two, especially if your child cries a great deal. Go for a walk or work out. Work on some new or unfinished project—writing, painting, sewing, building; something creative and satisfying. Visit a good friend, or get your friends to come and see you. Activities like these can help lift your mood. At first you may not feel like doing anything. But if you make yourself take action, you will feel better. And that’s important for you baby and your family, as well as for yourself.

Also talk with your partner about how you are feeling, and be prepared to listen, too. It’s pretty common for a new father to feel rejected because the baby gets all the attention. A natural response—although not a helpful one—is for the father to withdraw emotionally or become whiney and critical just when the mother needs support the most. Feeling unsupported, a mother may become angry, sad, or depressed; this of course just makes the situation worse. Talking together is critical if couples are going to avoid this kind of vicious cycle.

If your mood does not lift in a few days or if it is getting worse, you may be suffering from what is referred to as postpartum depression. “Baby blues” almost always goes away by two months; postpartum depression can go on and on. Real postpartum depression may happen in as many as 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies. Rarely, it is so severe that there is even a risk of suicide. If you or your partner has a severe mood change at any time, especially after pregnancy, get medical help right away. No one knows exactly what causes postpartum depression, but women who suffered from depression before are more vulnerable.

This is not the sort of problem you can simply talk yourself out of; you need professional help. You can start by talking with your doctor, who may refer you to a mental health professional. The good news about postpartum depression is that it is treatable. Both talk therapy and antidepressant medication can be very helpful. No new mother should have to suffer with this problem alone.

These days, most mothers return to their paid jobs very soon after having their babies. Financial necessity and demanding careers put huge pressure on women. Finding trustworthy child care can be very difficult. Apart from that, mothers often grieve because they feel they are losing the precious first months of their babies’ lives, and they worry about the effects of early separation on their babies.

Babies will form strong emotional bonds with mothers and fathers even when they are cared for by others during the day. Loving care provided in the mornings, evenings, weekends, and (of course) in the middle of the night is enough to cement the bond from the child’s side (see “What Children Need” in Section III for children’s feelings of attachment).

I’ve seen many mothers pull back emotionally in the first days of their baby’s life because they are getting ready for the time, all too soon, when they will have to say good-bye. This is a natural self-protective response, but it can place great strain on a mother and on her relationship with her child. Fathers usually feel these strains less, because they are used to the idea of jumping right back into their jobs.

My advice to mothers (and fathers) who feel pressured to return to jobs earlier than they feel comfortable is, Listen to your heart. If there is any way you can stretch your maternity leave, even if it means a loss of income, you may end up glad you made that choice. By about four months most mothers feel much better about heading back to their jobs, having had a chance to really connect with their babies and eager for the adult companionship of work.